Many people like to blame their parents for something in their own lives, and Asian fathers are an easy target, since, in a modern era, it might be easier to think of them as “cold and authoritative.” I have often asked myself, was my dad like the stereotypical Asian dad? What could I “blame” him for? After thinking out loud for a while, even though I have often imagined him as some kind of patriarchal figure, in retrospect he may not have been that authoritarian! An athletic man wanting his son to be athletic seems less stereotypical than most Asian fathers. See my related uncle Reggie story: “An Asian dad who didn’t want a nerdy son.”

很多人喜欢把自己生活中的某一个问题归罪于父母，尤其亚洲父亲容易成为攻击的目标，因为在当今时代里，可能更容易把他们看为“冷漠而专制的”。我常常问自己，我的爸爸是不是像一个刻板的亚洲爸爸形象？我可以责怪他什么呢？虽然我经常把他想象成一种家长式的人物，但经过一阵子的自言自语思考，现在回想起来，他好像并没有那么专制！一个擅长体育的男人希望儿子也能擅长体育，跟大部分亚洲父亲相比较，似乎没那么刻板。你可以看看相关的曾叔叔故事：“一位不希望儿子变成书虫的亚裔父亲 ”。

For many years, I really had a stereotypical authority figure concept of my dad, probably related to the fact that any conversation between us tended to be a father-son directive. Growing up, it seemed we really did not have one-on-one discussions, where my input was actually invited, at least as far as I remember. Although probably not meant to be that way, it did seem that most communications were in the form of orders, or reminders, like “did you do what you were supposed to do?” Probably quite effective ways of communication, in a sense, because up to the age of 15, it all seemed to work quite well, and I do not remember any great tensions. I just learned to “obey.” And others report I was a “nice boy.” (Hmmm)

多年来，我对爸爸一直有一种刻板的权威形象的印象，这可能与我们之间的任何交流往往只是父亲给儿子的指导有关。在我长大的岁月里，我们好像真的没有征求我意见的那种一对一的讨论，至少我的记忆里没有。虽然可能不是故意的，但确实似乎我们大多数沟通都是命令式的，或者像“应该做的事你做了吗？”之类的提醒。从某种意义上说，这种沟通方式可能很有效，因为在我15岁之前似乎没什么问题，我也想不起来什么大冲突。我简单地学会了“服从”。别人也说我是个“好孩子”。（嗯……）

However, at age 15, somehow my teenage hormones and chemicals started changing, and I do remember father-son “dialogues” that were definitely “not nice.” In fact, for a few years it seemed like I was always exploding about some so-called injustice I felt. This was particularly related to the “amahs,” or servants that we had at home, when I would find myself “defending their rights,” which sounded like a pretty “righteous position” for me to hold. Whether it was totally true or not, I began to feel that the servants were at times treated like slaves, with little freedom to choose, and whom I felt were abused verbally, especially by my mother, or so I remembered. So, as I “defended them,” my arguments got pretty heated, dad would defend mom, and I would storm out of the dining room (a common place for verbal fights), or even from home, feeling “self-righteous, angry and hurt.”

然而，在我15岁的时候，我的青春期荷尔蒙和化学物质突然开始发生变化，我也确实记得一些绝对“不友善”的父亲和儿子之间的“对话”。其实，有几年，似乎总是会有一些所谓的不公正让我爆发起来。这尤其与我们家的“阿妈”或佣工有关系：我发现自己在“捍卫他们的权益”，而这对我来说是在主持“正义的立场”。无论是否完全是真的，我开始感觉有时候佣工们被当作几乎没有选择自由的奴隶对待，也感觉她们受到责骂，尤其被我母亲，至少当时我这样记得。于是，当我“为她们辩护”时，我们的争论会激烈起来，爸爸会为妈妈辩护，我就会冲出饭厅（我们争论的常见场地），或甚至离开家，同时带着“自以为是、生气和受伤”的情绪。

It was only after I went to medical school, at age 18 years (in the British system, premedical and medical school were rolled into one), that the family tension died down, partly because I was not at home for most of the time. I only returned home on weekends, when we all tried to be rather civil to each other! Presumably, the reduced tension also related to my own growing up, which I think I really did. After all, I was becoming a young doctor, and assuming many heavy responsibilities, even following dad’s footsteps, which must have pleased him significantly.

直到我18岁上了医学院之后（在英国的体系中，预科和医学院是融合在一起的），家庭冲突才平息下来，部分原因就是我大部分时间都不在家。我只在周末回家，而我们都尽量对彼此文明一点！这种紧张局势的缓和想必也与我个人成长有关，我想自己确实成熟了不少。我毕竟要成为一名年轻的医生，承担许多沉重的责任。这么一来，我跟随了爸爸的脚步，一定使他特别高兴。

Love comes in many forms. I know from relatives, that dad definitely had a great deal of love for those relatives that were “stuck” in the hinterland during the early chaotic days of the change of government, while we were living relatively comfortably in Hong Kong. These relatives were often the object of discrimination and even persecution, because they were considered land owners, had foreign connections, were Christians, or just had an enemy who now had power. And because dad was a physician, and considered more well off, many such relatives asked him for “loans.” Which somehow were able to be “transferred back” to the ancestral village. Naturally many of these loans could not really be “repaid,” and I’m sure dad was fully aware of that: after all, it seemed sometimes the needs were matters of life and death.

爱有很多不同的形式。通过我的亲戚我了解到，我们自己在香港过着相对舒适的生活的同时， 爸爸肯定对那些在政府更迭的混乱初期留在内地省份的亲戚怀着很大的爱心。这些亲戚经常受到歧视甚至逼迫，原因是被看成地主、有海外关系、基督徒身份或者一个刚得势的敌人。因为父亲是大夫，又被认为比较富裕，很多这样的亲戚都向他“贷款”。不知道他们用什么样的方式“运回”老家的。当然，这些贷款中有许多不可能“偿还”的，我想爸爸也肯定完全明白这一点：毕竟有时候他们的需求看起来攸关生死。

One of my first cousins has always felt a great gratitude towards my dad for helping support him, when he was young and living inland far from us during this period of great turmoil. So, whenever I visited Hong Kong in the last few decades, as an expression of his ultra-sincere gratitude, he would usually overwhelm me with great dinners and gifts, even though I was a totally undeserving. But I reaped the blessings of an ancient culture. I learned from my cousin also that people used to say, that dad was frugal towards himself and his immediate family, but rather generous towards others in need, which I can believe, and feel proud that he did the right thing. He was a church deacon and I know he tried to be a righteous man, to do his best in a difficult world.

我的一个堂兄年轻的时候住在离我们遥远的内地省份，经历动荡岁月时得到了我爸爸的支持，一直对他心怀感激。所以，在过去的几十年里，我每次访问香港时，他都会用盛宴和礼物来表达他超级真诚的谢意，尽管我完全不配。可是，我是获得了古老文化的祝福。我还从堂兄那里了解到，人们常说，我爸爸对自己和家人节俭，但对有需求的人却很慷慨。这我可以相信，并为他做过的正确的事感到骄傲。他是一名教会的执事，我知道他想做一个正值的人，在这个艰难的世界里尽力做到最好。

Sometimes people like to think that physical hugs and warmth are indicators of how close, or how non-hierarchal the family might be. I don’t remember that dad ever embraced me (he must have, when I was a child, but I just don’t remember), or showed any warm touch or “cuddliness.” Even though my father was fairly “westernized,” speaking English well, and marrying a very westernized, American born wife. It just wasn’t the practice at the time. Even mom, I think, never did, even though she had been born, and grew up in Seattle. I wonder if I would actually have been embarrassed if they did that, anyway! Even today, traditional Koreans, Japanese, and Thais do not really embrace, especially in public. Even in the most sophisticated westernized Hong Kong, it can be awkward still.

有时候人们喜欢把身体上的拥抱和温暖看作家人之间距离或等级分明程度的指示。我不记得爸爸曾经拥抱过我（在我小的时候，他肯定是，只是我不记得而已），或者有过过任何温情的触摸和“可爱风格”的表达。尽管我的父亲是比较“西方化的”，讲一口流利的英语，还娶了一个非常西方化的、在美国出生的妻子。只是人们当时不习惯这么做。连我的妈妈好像也从来没有，虽然她是在西雅图出生长大的。我想，他们如果那样做，我反而会感到丢脸！直到今天，传统的韩国人、日本人和泰国人基本上不互相拥抱，尤其是在公共场合。即使是在最繁华、西方化的香港，仍然会比较尴尬。

During the Asian SARS epidemic, actually Koreans, Japanese and Thais seemed to escape the epidemic, and I used to joke that they likely escaped, because adults in these cultures traditionally don’t shake hands when they meet each other. Bowing and using elegant no-contact hand gestures for welcome or thank you, should drastically reduce the germ count all round! I think that could be a solution for the annual dreaded flu seasons everywhere! Maybe warm-hearted church ushers can alter their enthusiasm for welcoming church attendees this way. Just bow, it’s an age-old tradition!

在亚洲非典流行期间，其实是韩国人、日本人和泰国人看似都躲避了那次疫情。我常常开玩笑说他们逃脱很可能是因为在他们的文化中成人见面时不习惯握手。以鞠躬和优雅的无接触手势表示欢迎或感谢，应该会全方位内大大减少细菌的传播！我想，这样是不是可以解决每年到处猖獗的可怕流感季节！也许那些热心的教堂招待员可以改用这种方式来迎接参加教会的人。简单的鞠躬，古老的传统！

So, I must admit that the whole idea of whether traditional, especially Asian, fathers could/should have shown more open affection for their children is really quite complex. There’s really no right or wrong, I think, and culture and habit are such strong driving forces for all our actions. It does seem to be good to move towards better verbal dialogue to improve communication between fathers and their children, and probably a bit “more hugging”. Most people probably know of the classic touching story of the Prodigal Son in a setting 2000 years ago, where the loving father is shown as embracing his prodigal son? Maybe everyone needs at least a good hug? Or a few more pats on the back…..

这么一说，我需要承认，传统的父亲，尤其是亚洲的，是否应当对他们的孩子更敞开地表达感情，这整个问题真的很复杂。我认为没有什么对与错，文化和习惯是我们所有行为的强大驱动力。按照西方的传统智慧至少可以说，为了改善父亲与孩子的交流而争取更好的口头对话是有益的，还有可能要“多一点拥抱”！？大部分人可能知道流传两千年的感人的经典故事，其中描述的慈爱的父亲把自己的浪子拥抱在怀里。 也许大家都至少需要一个大拥抱吧？或者多拍拍肩膀给点鼓励……

Thus, how “Asian” or even “Confucian” was my own father? He was loving towards his family, focused especially on providing for the family, materially, physically, and even spiritually. He was not the 21st century Western “cuddly father,” but in hindsight, he was “approachable” in the sense that he would listen to me when needed, especially as I grew up and was more “mature,” as befitting the eldest and therefore, by tradition, considered the “most responsible” child of the family.

那么，我自己的父亲身上有多少“亚洲人”或“儒家”的元素呢？他对家人有爱心，特别注重在物质、身体甚至精神方面供养家庭。他并不是21世纪西方式的“可爱风格的父亲”，但现在回想起来，他“平易近人”，他在需要时会聆听我，特别是当我长大更加“成熟”的时候。我作为长子，又按照传统被看为家里“最负责任”的孩子，这也是恰如其分的。

Actually, in this traditional system, I probably secretly really liked that “sense of responsibility,” beginning from early childhood. The flip side was it seemed I was made responsible for my 2 younger brothers, and if they caused any trouble, I often bore the brunt of my parent’s displeasure. It could be described as a “tough love” kind of approach to responsibility, and especially “higher expectations,” for me as the eldest. The implied sense of “mission” in my life as the responsible one, was probably “good” for me.

实际上，在这个传统的体系中，我可能从童年早期开始就暗地里喜欢这种“责任感”。在另一面，我好像要对两个弟弟负责，只要他们惹了什么麻烦，经常是我要承受父母的不悦。这种培养责任感的方式可以描述为“爱之深，责之切”，尤其是对我作为长子来说是“更高的期望”。我作为要承担责任的那一位而隐含的“使命感”很可能对我有“好处”的。

I like to joke that, my dad never told me I had to go into medicine, or “force me,” as happened to some of my class mates. But then, dad just expected it. And I just naturally knew I would go into medicine. And I have always truly loved medicine. Who knows, this approach, as part of the father-son dynamic, of subtly making me sort of rise to expectations, probably influenced the way I often “took charge” at various stages in my life, which seemed “just natural.”

我常开玩笑说，我爸爸从来没有说我必须从事医学，也没有像一些同学的父亲那样“强逼”过我。但是，爸爸简简单单有很高的期待，而我很自然地就知道我要学医。我也一直以来真心喜欢医学。说不定，在父子关系当中，这种潜移默化使我提升自己并达到期望的方式，可能塑造了我在人生的不同阶段里“负起责任”的习惯，而对我来说显得“自然而然”。

Though unappreciated at the time for years, I have to reflect now that dad probably tried hard to role model a biblical way of life for our family, especially with behind the scenes quiet love and encouragement for us his children, and those less fortunate. Even when I try, actually I find it funny that I cannot find anything I can really blame him! Which is ironic since somehow, I had assumed, from all the writings about fathers, especially Asian ones, that there must be plenty to blame him. I’m sorry, I tried.

虽然那时候很多年我不太会欣赏他，但现在不得不反思，爸爸好像尽力为我们的家庭树立了根据圣经的生活方式的榜样，特别是通过在幕后向自己的孩子和那些不幸的人给予低调的关爱和鼓励。不管我多努力，反而找不到任何真的可以责怪他的理由，很好笑吧！这有些讽刺，因为不知何故，从我看过的所有与父亲——尤其是亚洲的父亲——有关的文章，我一直认为一定可以找到不少事情来责怪他。对不起，我试过了。

And, how has my Asian dad influenced my own parenting habits? That might be another story……

那么，我的亚裔爸爸如何影响了我自己做父亲的习惯呢？那也许可以讲出另一个故事…