Being a mentor is such a privilege and joy. I have been a mentor to many, in highly academic medicine and in ministry. In each relationship I have learned many lessons, and experienced the great satisfaction of seeing young people grow closer to what he/she was “intended to be!”
做一个导师(mentor)是一种殊荣，也是一种喜悦。我在医学学术研究领域及教会事奉领域，做过很多人的导师。在每一个辅导关系当中，我学到了很多，也因着看到年轻人越来越长成他该有的样子，我感到很欣慰。

The question often is immediately asked, how do you spot the person that you think would be a good mentee? How do you spot that zeal, that spark in the eye that means that this person is destined for a greater purpose in life? What characteristic has this person demonstrated that helps you to decide? How do you figure out the good from the bad in each person, since no one is perfect? In essence, how do you really (or can you?) estimate or guess the potential of a person?
常有人问：你怎么能判断哪个人是适合你去辅导的？你如何能看到这个人的热情，就是他眼中那种闪烁的光芒，让人一看就好像知道这个人生来就是要成就有意义的大事的？这个人他有一些什么特点来让你决定去做他的导师？你怎么知道这个人的优缺点，因为没有人是完美的。总而言之你怎么样去估计或者推测一个人的潜力呢？

I dare say that there is no fixed formula, there are no real guidelines, and truly, the mentor’s life experience likely helps. Over time, I think instinctively, you can begin to see how some people are just born with special potential, or that in spite of limitations you sense that there is a deeper drive that you recognize, but other’s many not necessarily notice or even want to notice. It’s just not something you can add up or compute mathematically. And the interaction between mentor and mentee is very important; the chemistry really has to be just right also. Some interactions just do not click, and will not really be a good fit. Such is life, and not everyone is destined to work together. Especially if this process is meant to be over a long duration.
我敢说这没有一个固定的公式，也没什么正儿八经的的原则方针。实际上这跟人的阅历有关。慢慢地，你就本能的看到有些人就是天生有那种特殊的潜能，或者有时候，你虽然看到了一个人的局限性，但是你也能够感觉到他内心深处的驱动力，但并不是每一个人都会注意到，或者每一个人想要注意到。这东西就不像是可以用数学运算这样算出来的。师徒之间的交流很关键，他们之间的化学反应很重要。有时候跟有些人交往，就是不投缘，你也能马上就知道这可能不合适。人生就是这样，并不是每一个人都适合和另外一个人一起合作的，尤其像这种存续时间很长的师徒关系。

I do like the conceptual mystery of “seeing into their eyes”, just the special spark, the gleam, the dedication in their eyes, the determination to succeed in spite of all odds. Not everyone has that same drive, and if we can spot it and nurture it, that drive can become something truly remarkable. There’s something about the eyes being the venue of the soul, some basic truth about that! Simple things, like eagerness to learn, basic teach ability, humility, sincerity and trustworthiness, are critical. These might be assessed through previous practical experiences when working together, which are usually much more solid than any flashy academic or secular achievement! And pride or arrogance, definitely “goes before a fall”, so any prideful issues are definitely a warning sign that alerts you to potential disaster ahead, in spite of glowing records!
我确实喜欢那种一眼看上的眼缘，这似乎有点神秘，就好像你在对方的眼睛里看到了一种特殊的亮点，光芒，还有那种要排除万难把事做成功的决心。并不是每个人都有这样的决心和冲劲，如果我们能一眼辨识并加以精心培育，这样的决心就能成就有意义的事。有说眼睛是心灵的窗户，这有一定的道理。一个人的一些基本的素养，例如对学习的渴望，受教的程度，谦卑，可信赖的程度，都是很重要的。我们能够凭借过往的经验，在一起合作的过程中，来考察这个人，这些素养往往比那些耀眼的学术成就更重要。骄傲，或者傲慢一定会导致跌倒，所以任何骄傲的问题绝对是一个警告信号，提醒你潜在的大问题，哪怕其记录很耀眼！

At a couple of points in my life, I would also try some kind of light-hearted “test” on a potential mentee, before agreeing to the relationship. For example, in chatting initially with a potential mentee, I might talk faster and faster, on an increasing variety of topics, or even take a fast walk together into heavy city traffic, chatting as we go, even up and down stairs, to see how well we could communicate without missing a beat. This “stress test” gave me some feel of how flexible and adaptable the mentee would be in stressful circumstances, and it worked well, but it became a bit exhausting for everyone!
在我过去这些年中，有几次我在同意做一个人的导师之前，先试行一段时间看看是不是合适。举个例说有一个候选对象，一开始跟他聊天的时候，我可能会用很快的语速然后会不断地转换话题，甚至会带他去车水马龙的地段散步，我会走得很快，边走边聊，上下楼也一样。主要是想看我和这个人之间沟通是否合拍。像这样的压力测试让我能够感受到对方是不是一个弹性灵活，适应性强的人，尤其是在这种压力比较大的环境当中，我的这种评估方式其实是很有效果的，但有时候就是很累人。

Once we agreed on a mentorship relationship, a key practical part is scheduling of steady regular sessions together. I set this up with a goal for a potential long -term relationship. It could be monthly or even two monthly sessions, but some specific regularity helps make it work. And, because I give high priority to this interaction, I try to adjust my schedule to the mentee schedule since often theirs is more complex and difficult to manage, and I don’t want to discourage them.
一旦我同意做某个人的导师，很关键的一点是要能够有时间定期会面。我会安排这些会面，目标是要能够培养一个长期的关系。有时候我们每个月见一到两次。但是不管间隔多少时间，这定期的会面是很有帮助的。因为我重视两人的互动，我常常会调整我自己的日程安排来满足对方的需要，因为常常对方的实际事情比我更多或者他的日程比我更难安排。我不希望他们因为日程安排的问题而不会面。

In my personal life I have taken the initiative to seek out my own personal mentors myself, and I think that‘s ideal. But not every mentee knows that they can do that, and some mentees are intimidated by that. So, it’s good to encourage a potential mentee sometimes by making the initial suggestion to meet, but don’t make it too easy. Having set it up, I insist that they make the call, or drive to a meeting place, to demonstrate their desire to be mentored. It’s a two-way street that includes, importantly, love with understanding from the mentor, but there’s no need to spoil them. Also there may be different phases of life too, so that when one phase is over, it could be that your mentorship could transition to a more detached relationship. Something like when your mentee gets married, or graduates from a specific program, that could be a decision point, because many other factors will start coming into play.
在我个人的生活中，我也曾主动去寻求人做我的导师，我想这是很理想的，但是并不是每一个想要被辅导的人都会这样做，并且有一些人会觉得有点胆怯，所以有时候我会主动去提议第一次会面，以此来鼓励对方。但是我不会让这第一次会面太容易。一般我约了以后，会要求他们打电话或让他们开车到我们会面的地点，以此来表明他们是愿意被辅导的。这关系往往是双向的，导师要能够有爱心，并且能够谅解，但是没必要去宠。人生有不同的阶段，当一个阶段结束，也许你的这个辅导关系需要过渡到一种更疏离一点的关系。例如说被辅导的人结婚了，或者他从哪个项目毕业了，这往往可以成为一个重新考量的点，因为这个时候能有更多的因素需要考虑。

I used to do my mentorship over lunches or coffee, to be decided mutually, but especially by the mentee. But now I am doing it mostly over video or phone chats, because the mentees and I are now all in different locations in the world. Long -distance chats, I think, are nearly as effective, and in fact, for me it reduces my time commitments to that one hour of chatting, say monthly, whereas in the past it might take nearly a three-hour time slot to just chat with one mentee, including driving time, eating time, etc., so it’s really quite efficient nowadays. Of course, it’s always much better and more fun to have chats over lunch or coffee, face to face, and we should treasure that interaction whenever possible! Face -to -face body language still outclasses video chat language. Which beats disembodied voices in the air!
以前我会在午饭期间或者喝咖啡的时候来做辅导，当然这个方式是要双方都同意的，尤其是让这个被辅导的人觉得合适。但是现在我更多的是通过视频或者电话聊天来辅导，因为我和被我辅导的人一般都在世界不同的地方。对我来讲，长途的电话聊天其实跟面对面也差不多，也一样有效，而事实上对我来说，也节省时间，因为以前一个月一次一个小时的聊天，可能需要我总共三个小时的时间，包括开车吃饭等等。但现在一个小时聊天就是一个小时聊天，这其实是一种很有效的方式。当然如果能够一起吃饭，或者一起喝咖啡面对面聊，那是最好的，也更有趣。所以有机会的时候，我们应该尽量面见。面对面的聊天带着肢体语言，总胜过视频上的聊天，更胜过只有音频的对话。

It‘s good to remind myself also that I am not the mentees’ parent, and I have to learn to back off at times, so that they have enough space. For me, it’s convenient that often they think that I’m just their “uncle” (that’s my name anyway) and therefore I probably don’t have an excessive authority figure problem. Occasionally one of my mentees who is from a more passionate culture might come to respect me so much as to even hug me tightly and proclaim, “You’re my father,” and that’s awe-inspiring to know that someone can respect you that much. However, that’s over the top, and maybe “uncle” is perfect for me, and probably the best compromise.
我也会提醒我自己，我并不是对方的父母，所以有的时候我需要学习后退，让对方有足够的空间。我把我自己看成是他们的叔叔，刚好大家也都叫我叔叔。所以我并没有把自己当成权威。有时被辅导的人也许是来自一个热情外向的文化，他们虽然是男性，有时居然会紧紧地拥抱我，然后声称“你就是我的爸爸”，以此来表达对我的尊敬。如果一个人真的能这么尊重你，这让人受宠若惊，但这有点过，也许叔叔对我而言是最合适的，也是最折中的。

Indeed, our chats range all the way from life itself, marriage, and family news, to serving God and others. Indeed, it often could be like a family chat. I tend to start by telling about what’s going on in my own life, my own anxieties and prayers, my work, my meetings, my stories. Meaning that I open myself up first, which helps to break the ice, and even indicate areas where I need special prayer and concern. I am only human and not a super- person, and this is one way we can learn to encourage one another. There often are good testimonies and stories mixed in there, which could be meaningful and gently encouraging. And mutual sharing might bring back great memories, which might even trigger my writing them up later into a “real” Uncle Reggie story.
事实上我们的聊天会涉及生活的各方面，从婚姻，家庭，到服侍主和服侍人，所以经常就像家人聊天。我一般会先讲一讲我自己生活里在发生的事，我的忧虑我的祷告我的工作，我都会先讲我自己，先把自己打开，这样就能够破冰，甚至有的时候我也会告诉对方我需要他们为我祷告的事项或者我自己关心的事情。我也仅仅是一个人而不是一个超人。所以这样也是我们学会互相鼓励的一个方式。当然其中也会参杂很好的见证和故事，很有意义，也能够鼓励人。这样一起分享，常常会带来一些美好的回忆。有的时候甚至会让我想到把这些写下来成为真正的“曾叔叔讲故事”里的故事。

One thing I am usually careful about is that I don‘t make our chat into a probing session that makes it sound like an investigation, which could lead to discomfort and even possibly trust issues. I just let it go wherever my mentees would like it to go. If they are comfortable talking about sensitive issues then that’s wonderful, but if they don’t want to talk, I don’t get into that. Above all, I don’t want to lose the relationship, which is probably much more important than anything else. In some ways it’s still like working with youth. Learn to back off and not push an agenda, and let the discussion go naturally.
有一件事，我一般比较小心，我不会把我们的对话变成是打探消息，好像我在查户口一样，这样往往会让人感觉不舒服，并且会让人不信任。我一般就是随着对方，他把话题引到哪里就哪里，只要对方感觉合适，他们讲任何敏感话题都是可以的，但是如果他们不愿意讲，我也不会去提，我最不想的就是失去这种辅导的关系，因为这种关系是最重要的。有些时候这就好像跟年轻人相处一样，你要学会什么时候该退一步，而不要步步进逼，这样聊天就很自然。

I really view mentoring best as “just coffee chats”, indeed just like the title of my books. So there’s no high expectation necessarily that comes with it, but if the time comes when there’s a need, I am right there. Especially when personal issues, illnesses, and pains come up, I am there, hopefully like a member of the family, as someone who has been on this road before, and they can call on me as necessary.
我真的把这种辅导看成是喝喝咖啡聊聊天，就好像我出版的书名一样。所以我不会带着特别大的期待必须聊什么，当有需要的时候，我就会在那儿，尤其是当他们有个人的事情，如生病，痛苦，我会像一个家人一样陪伴。因为我自己也经历过这些，他们可以在需要的时候随时找我。

Indeed, in times of crisis, I‘m there to listen, to cry when crying is needed, to pray together, to give some advice for the marriage or ministry or work when asked. The “safe uncle” at a safe distance, not too far away wherever I am in the world. For as long as they like it; that’s not a problem, it could indeed be for life. For instance, one of my own mentors has been a mentor practically for life, and it continues to be a great pleasure to see him or chat with him, even as now it’s not as often as in the past.
实际上当出现危机的时候，我会在那里倾听，我也会陪他们哭也会一起祷告，如果他们询问我，我也会提出关于婚姻的建议，关于他们事工或者工作的建议。我是一个“安全的叔叔”，就意味着是要有一个安全的距离，无论我在何处，他们都不会觉得太远，可以和我安全地聊聊。只要是他们喜欢那就没问题，有的时候这种是终身的关系，例如说我自己有一个导师真的是成了我终身的导师，我每次看到他或者和他聊天，我都会非常开心，虽然我们现在也不像以前那样频繁。

For me, when I see my mentees grow up and living a very meaningful life, a life of contribution, that satisfaction and inner joy are just unmeasurable. We are very privileged to be able to be an earthly mentor, working together with the heavenly one. We can indeed be the theory and principles that have put on flesh and blood. Remember Jesus, the unique flesh- and- blood Incarnation, the greatest model Mentor, who mentored all kinds of people, even those whom others would not have instinctively felt were the “best material”. But these somewhat unlikely people were changed themselves, and changed the world, from a handful, to a third of the world’s population.
对我而言，当我看到我辅导的人成长了，过着很有意义的生活，成为一个有贡献的人，我的满足和内心的喜乐是无法言表的。我很荣幸能够配合天上的导师，成为一个地上的导师。实际上，我们应该在地上实践天上导师的教导，记住耶稣道成肉身，祂是最伟大的模范导师，祂辅导了各种各样的人，甚至于是那些让人一看就不是理想人选的那种，但是往往是那些好像不可能的人就改变了，也改变了世界。从一开始的十几个，直到全世界的三分之一的人口。