1. The trap

1. 陷阱

One of the good things I like about old age is that I have accumulated a lot of experiences, both good and bad. Sometimes, bad experiences may be more vividly remembered, and I can use these as examples for life lessons. I remember quite clearly a young resident doctor coming into my office, and declaring that he wanted “the truth” about his performance, that I should be totally candid with him, and tell him the entire truth. He insisted he could take any negatives, “so go ahead and tell me.” So, I proceeded to do so.

我喜欢的晚年好处之一就是我积累了很多人生经历，其中有好的也有不好的。有时候，糟糕的经历更容易令人历历在目，我可以把他们当作人生教训的案例。我记得很清楚，曾经有一个年轻的住院医生来到我的办公室，宣称他要知道自己工作表现的“真相”，让我毫无隐瞒地把真相告诉他.。他坚称自己可以接受任何负面的反馈，“所以，直接告诉我吧”。于是，我便开始这样做了。

As usual, in my approach with students, I would try to phrase my critique comments using a sensible balance of good and bad, since I knew of course that there were always positive and negative things about anyone’s performance, and I should try to be fair about my assessment. Thinking in this way, I began my assessment. I finished a series of comments (4 or 5, definitely less than 9) about his good performance, during which time he kept nodding his head in agreement, obviously pleased that I recognized his strengths. This dialogue seemed to be going well.

我跟学生接触时，一般试图把评论里的好的和不好的方面合理平衡起来，因为我当然知道任何人的表现总有正负两面，所以应该尽量公平地来评估。照着这种思路我开始给他评价。我对他良好的表现给出一系列的评论（4或5项，肯定是9以下），他也跟着点头同意，显然很满意我认可他的长处。我们的对话看起来进行得很好。

Then I started on my first sentence, rather mildly, about something negative. He did not even allow me to finish my sentence, but jumped in abruptly, and became louder and louder, “you see, you see, I knew that you all do not like me, and do not give me a chance!” I was thrown totally off balance, when I realized the “trap,” likely unintended, he had set for me.

然后，我开始委婉地对某一个负面点讲起第一句话。他都没让我说完话，就打断我开始越来越大声地说，“你看，你看，我就知道你们都不喜欢我，也不给我机会！” 当我发现这个似乎被他无意中给我设的陷阱，我非常诧异。

I have learned since then, after several somewhat similar encounters, that many people may need more than 9 (!) compliments, before they would even listen to one negative comment! Didn’t Jesus even say we have to forgive a brother 70 times 7 times, and not just 7 times? Implying 490 negative events occurred that needed overlooking, and not condemning! Those are dramatic numbers! And truly it is very difficult to say anything negative to anyone who is truly sensitive.

后来，经过几次类似的遭遇后，我认识到很多人甚至需要多于9次表扬才能够听一项负面的评论！伟大的老师不是说过，我们要饶恕兄弟70次7次，而不只是7次吗？这暗示着已经发生了490次的负面事情需要被宽恕而不是谴责。这些是很惊人的数字！对一个很敏感的人说出任何负面的话实在是非常困难。

2. Criticisms and sensitivities

2. 批评与敏感

In all frankness, most people are sensitive, whenever they feel they are being criticized “unfairly” (which could be quite often, depending on prickliness), and you can feel the atmosphere tensing up immediately, when you turn from (especially “less than 9”) positives, to negatives. Especially if you begin to say, “But….” It even happens when the criticism is about someone else close to them, like a family member, when they might feel personally attacked. Maybe the problem is the word “but,” which is like a warning signal, so I have been trying to stay away from that threatening word!

说实话，只要感到被“不公平地”评论，大多数人都很敏感（这可能是经常发生的，要看评论的刺激性）。当你从正面（特别是“少于9”）转到负面，会立刻感觉到氛围变得更加紧张。尤其是你说“但是……”开头的话的时候。即使是评论他们亲近的其他人，比如说家人，他们都可能感到自己被攻击。也许问题在于“但是”这个预警信号一般的词，所以我一直尽量避开这个威胁性的词！

Frankly, many people are just too sensitive! People may be offended by even the slightest negative comment, even if there are many other good comments. Sort of a kind of “selective hearing” of only the “one” negative point.

坦白地讲，很多人就是太敏感！连最轻微的负面评论也可能得罪他们，即使其中有不少积极的评论。这是一种针对“唯一”负面点的“选择性的听觉”。

3. Criticisms from gossip

3. 来自八卦的批评

Selective hearing is one good practical reason why we should not gossip, because gossip always involves (our) selective use of information. Nearly always, we only choose part of the story, the part we like, or remember most vividly. So, say, of 10 phrases in a story, we “hear” and thus transmit, really only one or 2 of the “more juicy” phrases, which may not actually comport with the entire 10 phrases. Indeed, “context is everything.” And when we selectively use a phrase or 2, totally out of context, we can literally make up a whole new story. Basically, we are ignoring the other 9 or 8 phrases, with little chance for “accuracy in gossip.”

选择性的听觉是我们为什么不应该八卦的实际的好理由，因为八卦总是与我们选择性使用信息有关。几乎每次我们只选择故事的一部分，就是我们喜欢的或者记得最生动的那一部。所以，比如说一个故事的十句话里，我们实际上只会“听到”和转达“最有趣的”一两句话，而这其实不一定能代表整个十句话的意思。确实，“语境是最重要的”。当我们选择性地使用一两句话完全脱离语境，我们真的可以造出一个全新的故事。基本上，我们在忽略其它八句或九句话，也不可能达到多么“准确的八卦”。

When I hear someone say negative things about another person, behind their back, I commonly try to either stop the discussion or deflect the discussion to other topics when possible. Ever since I was quite young I have been taught to try hard to think about the good in other people. A very old encouragement I re-discovered just recently buried in my childhood autograph book, makes just such a quote (see Photo), a refreshing find.

当我跟人谈话中听到别人背后说的负面话时，我一般会尽量转移话题。从我很年轻时起，我受到的教育是要努力想念别人的优点。我最近在我童年纪念册里重拾珍藏已久的鼓励人的话（见照片），正好可以在此引用。

Unconsciously, I think this quotation has helped me through many decades of interacting with others. Deep down, we all know that in life nothing is simple, and even when we see or hear something negative, we never know exactly what the circumstances are for each person, their past pains and trials, and how all those experiences affected them.

不知不觉，我这段引语在几十年与人相处中好像一直帮助我。在心底里，我们都知道人生中没有一件事是简单的，即使我们看到或听到一些负面的东西，也无法知道每个人的具体情况如何，他们经历过的痛苦和试炼给他们带来了什么。

By our basic (sinful) nature, we tend to like to gossip, and like to think negative things about others. Remember the teaching about “the splinter in someone else’s eyes.” It’s much easier to find fault with others, and we just love to do that! Especially, through gossip.

出于我们（容易犯错的）天性，我们喜欢八卦，喜欢往他人身上的负面点想。要记得“别人眼中的刺”的教导（你可以参考《马太福音》的第七章）。在别人身上挑错总是比较容易的，于是我们特别喜欢那样做！尤其通过八卦。

It’s much better to take a positive attitude, emphasizing the biblical concept of encouraging all people. It really doesn’t help to dwell on the negatives of any story, anyway, let alone a gossiped one. Believing the best in others also makes our own lives more pleasant! Some people might think that this attitude is “Pollyannaish,” but my thought is, so what, there is much less harm that way anyway.

最好是采取积极的态度，注重于鼓励所有人的经典智慧的观念。反之，沉湎于任何故事的负面信息没有太多好处，更不用说八卦了。看到别人的长处也使得我们自己的生活更加愉快。也许有人会觉得这种态度是“波莉安娜”式的，可是在我看来那样做的害处毕竟少多了。

4. Criticisms that encourage

4. 鼓励人的批评

Since I am basically a teacher, what about the teacher’s key role in teaching and often needing to criticize his students? How do we do that in the best way without generating angry sensitive reactions? When I was very active in academic medicine, I was not happy about the level of academic lecturing that I saw in many young faculty. But, I had discovered that criticizing someone about his lecture skills can be a sensitive issue.

既然我也称得上是一名教师，如何看待教师在教育并且需要经常批评学生的关键角色呢？考虑到避免造成生气和敏感的反应，我们用什么样的方式最好呢？当我活跃于学术医疗领域时，很多年轻教师的教学水平令我不满。可是，我当时已经发现，批评一个人的讲课能力是比较敏感的事情。

So, I teamed up with one of the best teachers on the faculty, Doctor B, and we came up with a novel idea. Each year, for 24 years without stop, we organized a national meeting of senior fellows in training, or junior faculty, to meet at a secluded place in very pleasant surroundings, to teach them how to give excellent talks. As far as we knew, this was the only systematic national academic pediatric teaching program then (late 1970s) in the country.

于是，我去找学院的最好教师之一B博士做我的搭档，我们有了一个新的想法。24年来，我们每年都会在舒适宜人的僻静地方举办一场培训全国高级研究员和青年教师的会议，教他们如何做精彩的演讲。据我们所知，这是当时（70年代末）全国唯一系统性的国家级别的儿科学术教学项目。

Every year, 2 dozen participants would come. At the introduction to the meeting, we clearly told them that they were going to be criticized after their talks. I often made the opening remarks, warning them, cheerfully, that the critiques would be something like, “I don’t like your science, nor your presentation, nor your style, but I like you! So, take the comments with a good attitude, so that you can learn.” Since everybody was duly forewarned, criticized roundly, and even had a chance to criticize other presentations, there seemed to be some “fairness,” and the young doctors took it all in good spirit. There was no obvious attempt to do anything close to a 9:1 approach! And it worked! Why?

每年都有20多人来参加。在会议的开场演讲中，我们清楚地告诉，他们自己的演讲会被批评。我经常会发言，以欢快的语气警告他们说，批评将是类似于“我不喜欢你的科学，不喜欢你的演讲，也不喜欢你的风格，可是我喜欢你！所以，你们要用好的态度来接受这些评论，为了能够学到东西”的话。既然大家都事先得到了适当的警告，被严厉批评，甚至有机会批评其他人的演讲，似乎都是“公平的”，年轻的医生们对这一切也保持了良好的心态。我们并没有试图跟着什么九比一之类的方法！然而奏效了！为什么呢？

I think the good response might have been related to the fact that the attendees realized the faculty had volunteered to do this teaching essentially out of the “goodness of their hearts,” at a significant sacrifice of their time and energy, for a group of people that were mostly unknown before to them, reflecting their “love of teaching,” or even their “love of students.” In spite of relatively harsh critiques, many participants admitted to us, that it was the best criticisms and assessments that they ever received about how to give a talk, given in a candid honest way.

我认为参会者的良好回应可能是他们意识到，教师们是“出于善良”自愿来教他们的，为了一群不太熟悉的人贡献出很多自己的时间和精力，体现了他们“对教育的热心”，或甚至“对学生的爱”。尽管批评是相当严厉的，很多参会者向我们承认，那是他们在演讲方面受到过最好的，又是真诚坦率的批评和评价。

That training indeed should have helped them for the rest of their lives, as professors in major Universities of the country. I think that, personally speaking, that was one of the best things we ever did for academic teaching, and every year, presentations at these training meetings got better and better, as these “graduates” in turn returned home and likely taught by example the next generation of teachers themselves! The value of willing acceptance of candid criticisms, without the overt need to be layered in compliments first, can be so helpful after all!

这种培训确实应该能够对他们作为国家重点大学的博士有终身的帮助。我个人认为，这是我们在学术教育方面做过最好的事情之一，而且这些培训中的演讲一年比一年好，因为“毕业生”各自回家之后，自己以身作则开始教导下一代的老师！不必获得一层一层堆起来的表扬而愿意接受坦诚的批评，原来是如此有益的！

5. Greatest is love

5. 最伟大的是爱

No matter if we use the 9 to one ratio, or any approach, what is really the most important in teaching probably, is the “greatest is love” concept, expressed in the historic book “Letter to the Corinthians,” 2,000 years ago. Students can sense the love deep down in the teacher’s heart, and that love can overcome discomfort and sensitivities. Especially the concept that “love is patient,” which helps drive the good teacher to look patiently for the good in his/her students. Love is definitely more powerful than criticism, and doesn’t really need a number.

无论我们使用九比一的比例还是任何其它方法，真正最重要的教育概念可能是“最伟大的是爱”，在2000年前的经典书籍《哥林多书》上有所描述。学生们能感觉到老师发自内心的爱，而这种爱能够胜过不适与敏感。尤其是“爱是恒久忍耐”的概念驱使着一个好老师耐心寻求他/她学生的优点。爱肯定比批评要更有力量，其实也不需要用什么数字来代表。